I know I need real life friends (the above pic is of some of my girls several years ago, though I only stay in touch with 3 of them now...I posted it to remind myself that yes, I *can* make friends), but I must say I was completely overwhelmed by all your comments on yesterday's post. And this really weird thing happened as I read each and every one several times over....peace came. I didn't feel so gosh-darn overwhelmed and alone.
I've always been one to tell myself to remember online friends are just that...online. They can't help you when life smacks you upside the head....and yet. And yet. Knowing you each took the time to write supportive, encouraging words, offer empathy and understanding without judgment....it cut me to the quick. It really helped. I've tried to respond personally to each of you who commented or (unless I got the dreaded 'noreply-comment@blogger' return address), but I wanted to say again here that each day brings new clarity, and new hope, even though the layers are still being pulled back. I'm gonna have to go even deeper into my own reactions and emotions and dig some more. But I feel safe. I feel carried.
My spirituality has evolved so much over the last decade, and though I don't share about that stuff here 'cause I like to keep things pretty light and fluffy on this blog, I do appreciate the positive energy that comes from knowing so many have had me and my family in their thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Knowing so many mamas out there know the familiar pain, disappointment, self-deprecation, disillusionment, frustration, and fury with kids who make truly harmful, unwise decisions.....is there anything as potent as a mother's emotional attachment to her babies? How is it we can feel such horrendous pain and anger, and yet be so fiercely committed to the well-being and happiness of our kids when they act like, well, kids? Sometimes the power of my emotions scares me. I know it scares my kids, which is prolly what led to some of the previously-mentioned you-know-what hitting the fan on Monday.
Anyone know where I can pick up a handy parenting manual? My kids didn't come with instructions, or perhaps they were written in Chinese and I got lost in the translation. This only I know:
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Dear sweet Cindy!
You sound so much better today. I'm so glad that words of encouragement from all of our blogging friends have helped.
You are loved.
I too am so glad you are feeling better..
I have said for a very long time, especially to new moms, try as you might, even if you could stay awake and watch over them 24/7, you will learn that the one person you cannot save your children from, is Themselves..
I just read your post from yesterday and know exactly how you feel about not having any "real" friends. I'm in the same boat. You seem to be doing better in today's post and I'm glad there are so many of us rooting for you!
When you find the answer to what you wrote, PLEASE let me know the answer to the following statement:
How is it we can feel such horrendous pain and anger, and yet be so fiercely committed to the well-being and happiness of our kids when they act like, well, kids?
My blog is private due to some of my daughters unwise decisions and trying to keep my granddaughters safety in mind so I'm one of those that you probably got that "noreply" statement for emails. oops sorry!
I sure hope that you are finding peace. It has taken me almost 2 years to come of the darkness that we went thru. Two years of learning to trust her again as I believe it is something that is earned. enough said about my woes. :)
Keep smiling, hug them even when they don't want it or don't think they need it.
I'm hosting a blog party tomorrow over at Sassy Sites. It's Feature YOU Friday! Come by tonight and link up! I would love to have your cute blog on there... xoxo
Marni @ Sassy Sites!
Online friendships are real friendships...I wouldn't have believed a year ago but now, after the testing that this life can bring, I know differently. Being a mama's the absolutely, hands down, most difficult job in the world. We raise them to be independent and then when they are (even in youthful,unwise decision making) we freak out...say things we should'nt and think the outcome will be the worst possible scenario. Don't beat yourself up...if someone says their kids would never do such and such...they are either extremely fortunate or have chosen not to see. The good thing is that most things can be overcome even though they may alter future life choices. The old saying, "Aint nothing new under the sun" is true with parenting, too. We've all been there in one form another. Without knowing the details (that's between you and your precious, God given family) hang in there, pray and never be afraid to say "I'm sorry". It doesn't excuse what they did but it will make you feel a whole lot better about your reaction. Blessings from one mama to another, Patty
Keep hangin' on. I wish they did have instructions manuals.
Hugs to you, Cindy! A lot of us have walked a few miles in your shoes, over the burning coals, and come out unscathed at the other end. It would be easier if we didn't love the little suckers to begin with, wouldn't it? But THAT ain't gonna happen...so we buck up and make the very best we can of a bad situation and pray for wisdom, guidance and mostly, for strenght to get us through. You hang in there, Mama...you are gonna be okay! And...as you say...Ok-Bye now! Diana
Say it with me... "this too shall pass". Big hugs coming to you from South Florida, know that we will always be here for you friend.
You betcha it does, Cindy. Sometimes it's just hard to explain that to the young. They think they know everything and we know they don't, not even close. And the reason we know it is because we don't know anything either, and we're so much older than they are! You hang in there!
Heidi - Heart and Home
Hi, Cindy! Wow, you sound GREAT today! See what a difference a day makes? Faith and love (from your blogger friends!) seem to make things lighter. And I know where you can get a great parenting manual! Just reach right into your own heart. Yep, it's all there. If one truly does their best for their kids, when they are babies and young kids and teenagers, if one gives their all to parenting (after all, WE brought out kids into the world, they didn't just show up on our doorstep), then our love and loyalty and our sacrifices for our kids will bring our kids through the worst they have to go through to grow up to be loyal and loving kids to us and great people for the world. But I don't think anyone is immune to the dreaded teen years. No matter HOW good a child, when they are a teenager, they turn into a different person. Then we just have to have patience for our original child to return. :) So just know that everything will work out OK and the good Lord will keep you in his loving care. OK, I will get off my "motherly holy-roller" soapbox now. :)
P.S. You look FABULOUS in that blue skirt in the picture! So pretty, and love the sunglasses too!
Oh girl...thought of you as I was dealing with all the teen trauma drama last night. Glad you seem to be feeling better....gives me hope!
When I had my first child I thought I knew everything. It continues to amaze me how each of my children is so individual. They each have their own little spirits. I have to remind myself that I'm constantly growing and learning too. And I thought I didn't have to "learn" anymore after college!
Glad you are feeling more uplifted! I read a good article the other day about reaching the end of your rope. It mentioned that when that happens...to tie a knot and hang on! Sometimes that's all we can do until things get a little better with time. Hang in there!
What a difference a day makes - and the support of this loving blog community. Glad to see you have some perspective and some peace, Cindy. I don't have children and I so admire parents for what I think is the hardest job in the world. Hang in there.
I am new to your blog...but madly fell in love with your craftiness and zest for what you do. You've already inspired me and I'll be purchasing spray paint today (thanks to your motivation).
I hesitated in commenting on your last post as I knew your 'long time' blog friends would do a great job in showing you their support.
I have witnessed, first hand, an amazing woman take an object (mind you, an object most of us would run away from - screaming!), see through ugliness to the beauty beneath, imagine its possibilites, envision moments of joy it will offer, and enable this object to find its rightful place.
There is no challenge - as long as our children are sucking in air - that cannot be tackled and won.
For whatever hit the fan - your family is watching. They will be learning from you, our queen of spray paint, how to problem solve and face issues... Do your thing, girl! Show them how to push the ugliness aside to expose the beauty; show them that amongst the sh@#, there is potential; show them that everyone has a place because you are a family!
And, when you become exhausted from all of that, come back to blogworld and show us some more spray painting techniques cause I REALLY need your help.
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