9.10.2012

::hi::



It's a cryin' shame how long I've gone without posting over here.  

I don't apologize, you understand.  I just point out the fact.

I'm living life, sometimes posting over here, and pulling up my big girl pants as we face into cooler temps.

I've done nothing with the cottage in more than 5 months.

Again, I don't apologize, I just point out the fact.

My summer has been full of amazing discoveries and heartwrenching realities. Just truly delicious stuff slammed up next to redonculous, unrelenting randomness. 
Inbetween there hasn't been any desire to fix and frouf a house.  
In fact, I haven't even vacuumed or dusted or mopped.  Much.

(my amazing, gorgeous, precious, family...the impetus to drain every last drop of beauty out of life)

I don't know where this blog will fit into my life in the coming months.  I'm uber-ultra-sensitive right now in wonderful and terrifying ways....so I'm being careful about reading other blogs, visiting pinterest, or delving into the new season's deco mags.  It all can make me feel 'less than' if I'm not in a good head space, and I have to fight for that head space every.single.day.

I'm pursuing joy and contentment (and getting there sometimes), and I've done it without blogging and fixing my house.  I think there's a pretty good chance I'll pick this package up again sometime, but for now it's just gonna be taking up cyberspace, collecting dust and a few random comments.  


Mom's been under hospice care for the last several weeks, and things are winding down.  It's been a surreal experience, one I can't reconcile with all the other goodness happening in my life.  It is just what it is, and making the best of every moment means making the best of every moment.....even when that moment is sitting beside your dying mother when she should be enjoying her great granddaughter and nipping at your dad's heels to get the perennials in the ground before the first frost.  

There's something very gritty about watching someone who's been a tower of strength and creativity in your life struggle to suck liquid thru a straw.

I know life will be still be good on the other side of this transition.  But the goodness will be more poignant, and maybe a little ragged around the edges....because someone who should be in my life won't be in the same way.  There will always be a lingering 'mom would've loved this....' or 'Wish mom could see this....' at the end of every contented sigh, the threat of tears lacing thru a pang of longing.  It's the sharing I'll miss.  The comparing paint chips, and feminist theology, and trips to Pottery Barn, and raucous laughter over something one of my kids said or the outfit adorning some stuffy woman at the mall.  

Little things.  Life things.

Well, anyway, after the waiting is over....the waiting for death to visit us, I might get moved by the creative muse again, and find delight in sharing my decorating (mis)adventures here.  The instincts are still strong, but in this moment there are others stronger. 

Like I said, I don't apologize, I just point out the fact. 

Peace.

14 comments:

Suzan said...

Peace to you as well.

Polly said...

awwwww, dear Cindy, you are in my thoughts. your words resonate inside me as this was my life for the last 6 years. losing my mom and dad was....well, words can't even articulate it. i feel them with me now. but, more than anything, i want to sit by my mom's bed and feel her breathing. as hard as it all was to watch, death is so final. i'm sorry you are going through this, but as you said, it is a fact of life. be strong, be brave, and be there for her. the blog, the dusting, the vacuuming...it can all wait. sending hugs!

Polly

Tina said...

May God bless you with His peace during this time.
T

Little Green Table said...

What a beautiful bittersweet post. My heart hurts for you. Take care of you and your beautiful family.

vintage girl at heart said...

Prayers going up for you and your sweet Family.

NanaDiana said...

Cindy- I know. My heart aches for you and I am praying for peace for all of you in the coming days and weeks- xo Diana

rebecca @ older and wisor said...

Halleluyer! My favorite of your posts. Ever.


(and although I know everything you said to be 100% true, sometimes the most important things are so serious and near impossible to deal with, that I - personally - need something as trivial and nonsensical as crafting and foofing to let my mind take a break from things that seem otherwise overwhelming)

COTTAG3 said...

I've been where you are and there is nothing I can say that will make it easier. It was a life changing experience when I lost my parents. One thing I did was not focus on what is/was missed but rather how lucky I was to have had what I had and have what I still have. I hope there is peace and comfort and a little laughter or smile for you, your dad and your family and you go through this.
Gina

Laura Bloom said...

What a beautiful, touching and REAL post. Thank you for sharing your heart and your world with us. Lovely.

LL from KS said...

I can feel your pain and your heartbreak. I am facing some similar things. This circle of life is hard to comprehend at times. There will be a hole in your heart, but you are your mom's living legacy so somehow you will find the strength and courage to move forward. Your children love you and need you, just as you love and need yours. Just know that there are others out there in the world that wrap their cyber arms around you and send you love.

MimiG said...

Keep holding your mother's hand. Courage. Peace.
I've been exactly where you now stand. Will you send me your email address? I have a few thoughts to share from our hospice nurse that made my family's journey a bit easier.
Mimi
mimig2002 at gmail dot com

JunkStuffTreasures said...

Thinking of your family during this time.

Erin said...

You slay me with the vulnerability and truth of your writing, Cindy. The way you write about your experiences reminds me of just how exquisite life is in all its beauty, pain, and the in-between.

Take care,
Erin

Kathy Shea Mormino said...


Hello! I’m stopping in to invite you to join us at the Clever Chicks Blog Hop
this week!

http://www.the-chicken-chick.com/2012/11/clever-chicks-blog-hop-7-country-craft.html

I hope to see you there!
Cheers!
Kathy
The Chicken Chick

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