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So many folks on my regular blog rounds are posting all the awesome things they accomplished last year, and all the wonderful stuff they're looking forward to this year. All the goals they have, the hopes and dreams that motivate them. I, on the other hand, feel like I barely survived this last year, and 2012 is a gaping black hole staring me down....ready to suck up any happiness I manage to find and leave me with profound tragedy and pain. I've never felt so vulnerable, so out of control. And so helpless. I feel a constant dread of the future. I feel stuck and unable to plan for anything. A deep, stubborn hopelessness has settled it's black wings over my spirit and mind. The wedding planning consumed my mind and energy, giving me a much-needed distraction, but I knew the aftermath would entail facing some serious uncomfies. January has indeed arrived; the aftermath is here. And I hate math. 
I should go back to counseling. Don't really think it will help a whole lot, but that's what people do when they're mad/sad/terrified/burned out, yeah? My health issues have returned as I pushed wholesome eating and exercise to the rear, and even though I'd love to just run away to a spa somewhere where they'd teach me yoga and feed me organic whole food the whole ding dang day long then put me to bed with a calming massage and classical music....alas, my life responsibilities are relentless. There will be crawling out of bed, putting on my socks and facing into what needs faced with a quivering heart submitted to what life hands me each day. There will be grasping at little glints of shiny, slippery joy when I see them, and training myself to be steadfast in looking for their glimmer in the worst of times. There will be learning to accept a drowning grace for myself when yet again I meet my elicit lover…food, and succumb to it’s numbing embrace. Or the siren's song of a mid-day slumber-escape. Or barking at my beloved offspring.
It's hard to heal from a tumultuous year of intense stress and heartbreak when even bigger stress and heartbreak awaits around the corner. How to prepare? How to be wise, knowing your opponent is holding the ace in the hole (no bluffing needed)? I suppose I'm going to try to be present, try to acknowledge and focus on the good and happy, look for the silver lining.....and feel kinda dumb doing it, honestly. But there’s no choice except to slog thru it, to embrace what comes with the wee bit of grace I can muster, knowing I'll probably look back with regret at how it all unfolded. How I dealt with the poo that hit the fan, the mess that ensued.
My heart hurts, and while I've had pretty awful stuff happen in the last year, it's not like I lost a child or was diagnosed with some incurable disease, or found out my husband had been cheating. I know people who faced these tragic events this year, and they're still trying...still giving life a go and hoping it will all come out right somehow. Still making beauty with the raw materials of pain and suffering. Me? I wake up with a sugar/carb hangover each day then stumble back to the kitchen for the next hit. I'm not brilliant, but I know that ain't livin' the good life.
I'm tired. Bone tired and longing for something. Yet all I can see of that formless, nameless something is a wide swathe of sand and the emerald blue-green of rolling waves. I could stare forever at each incoming, foaming, frothy, uniquely shaped wall of water as it curls in on itself and creeps up the sugar sands, pushed by the momentum of a thousand million billion waves behind it.
The beauty in the monotony.
The power behind the rhythm.
The safety in the ritual.
Why I can't see this in my own life baffles me.
In a few weeks I'll be heading to those sands and rolling waters. Maybe sitting still and watching nature's performance for a few weeks will massage out the tension in my spirit. Maybe hearing the constant roar just outside my window will drown out the chatter of hopeless thoughts and feelings stuck in my brain.
Maybe watching the waves encroaching upon the beach will replace the time and commitments that have encroached upon my recent life, and I can again catch my breath and relearn what it is to relax and be. Maybe find strength to face what lies ahead.
And what does lie ahead?
In the coming months (maybe weeks), I will face the death of two precious women from cancers that won't relent: my mama, and a dear friend Deb. The terror of that consumes me. Makes me feel weak and cowardly and ashamed at how I take my life for granted, doing nothing most days but feeling depressed. I feel like the least I should do is *try*. Try to make a happy life for the sake of those who won't have it soon.
But trying comes with risk. Risk of disappointment and failure, both of which I have hardy experience with and neither of which I have a particular fondness for....let alone energy for. Still, I plan to explore some ideas of what 'trying' might look like for me in this ridiculous season of my life. I've contemplated starting an online biz, monetizing this blog, flipping burgers. I've thought about once again (for the eighty-millionth time) attacking this excess 80 pounds of fat clinging to my frame. I've toyed with selling everything and moving to a broken down cottage by the sea. Or just leaving.....
And yet?
And yet.
Amidst all this doom and gloom, there is one very bright light. Isn't that just how it goes? Life's way of dragging you along even when you're throwing a 2 year old tantrum? It's a bit cruel actually, to be thrown a line when you've already jumped ship and reconciled yourself to a peaceable end in the waves.
My first grandchild is due to appear on the scene by April's end.
Now tell me....isn't that just like Life? To unleash an unexpected, fresh breeze into the stale, claustrophobic air you've been wheezing in for so long? To prove that yes, you can feel pure terror and unspeakable joy at the same time and in the same humble human frame? That longing for time to stop, yet longing for time to pass can cozy right up next to each other. Oh yeah, Life is a sneaky devil.
I've learned by heart what 'bittersweet' feels like. I thought I knew.... but I had an academic understanding only. The real thing is a shocking experience. There is no reconciliation or 'settling'. No boxing it up with a nice bow on top. It makes you feel, well, alive. It gives you the ability to laugh and cry at the same time. Living with bittersweet realities somehow infuses you with hope, just when you were sure you weren't dealt any this round.
Anyway, if you've managed to digest this rambling feelings-to-words post, I appreciate it. I've watched my followers grow due to Pinterest I supposed, but I get very few comments anymore. I figured why not just let it all hang out. Process aloud. The good and the bad. No sugar coating...although maybe some pretty pictures now and then as I learn to use my new camera.
Which is, perhaps, another move-on-the-sly from good 'ole Life, eh? Nothing like a new hobby, a new lens, to document this messy existence.
41 comments:
Cindy, I am right there with you. Nobody I know is dying of cancer but this last year sucked me dry.
I finally looked my overwhelming sugar addiction in the face and knew I had to get it out of my system. I went sugar-free on Mew Year's Day (On New Year's Eve, however, I drank an entire 2 liter of Mtn. Dew and ate half a bundt cake all by myself. I would have eaten the whole thing but I didn't start on it til 4 pm). I feel like my best friend is gone but I'm also incredibly proud of myself for getting this far.
I've been praying my heart out to stay strong. That's the only way I'm making progress.
oh you've got me crying with you now, cindy. i look at you and see such a smart, creative, beautiful woman, and i just don't get how you don't get it. i know , trust me i know, life hands you a load of crap sometimes. but then like you said, your first grandchild is due, and you are able to see a new life begin- so beautiful, so raw, and so what you need because you need to pick up and begin again. it's never too late. it's going to be a year full of heartbreak, clearly, but also a year full of the joys of a new life, and also so many wonderful things yet to be planned, thought out... there are so many wonderful things waiting for you. you just have to see it.
I have walked in your shoes. I know your pain. I am going to email you~ xo Diana
Cindy- It won't give me the link when I hit your email button. When you get a spare moment email me, if you want- xo Diana
so eloquently written! i know it's hard, going through these things that have been plopped right down in front of us. i do encourage you to stay busy, as we've chatted about, and clinging onto the things you love to do, and doing them often. that new baby is a blessing in so many ways!!
and, by the way, my comments have dwindled down to about nothing as well. i wonder if pinterest and facebook have anything to do with it? probably just the evolution of technology. i think blogs might be taking a back seat to pinterest and facebook.
hang in there, and DO NOT forget to take care of YOU!! i have learned that lesson the hard way but i am trying to get back on track.
hugs
Polly
Cindy,
Thank you for keeping it real. I always read your blog, but never comment, couldn't hold back today. I am so sorry about your Mom and friend, I wish I could just make the cancer go away.
2011 was not my year either, but that's a book for another day!I will be keeping you in my prayers.
Kim
Hi Cindy,
Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you!
Jane
I read this and can feel the emotions churning in you. But, I did think that your confusion is really "normal." You are facing the loss of your mother and the birth of your first grand-child, that's some pretty screwed-up stuff to experience all at once. My mother died from breast cancer when she was 57 and I was 38...my sister gave birth to her first child about four months later. It was an emotional roller-coaster I can't explain. We try to gear up for the big changes, but they still come, whether we are ready or not. And, I am going to take the liberty of telling you what a friend had told me..."You think too much." It looks as if we are similar in this respect and if you are more academic in a lot of ways, in can be a curse...it was for me too. Thinkers can really be sinkers...everything has spiraling depth and it would be really nice, at times, to just stare out at the world with a simple mindset of acceptance. Perhaps that ability is true wisdom in life. I guess all we can do is take life as it comes, try to accept all that it is offering or denying, then move forward in a new, ever-evolving manner.
Keep taking pictures. Keep up your own identity. Don't make ANY huge life changing decisions for a year --- that is SO TRUE. Be the person you'd want to be with and know that happier days WILL be ahead.
Lana
Cindy, I always read and enjoy your blog, sorry I don't always comment. Sometimes it's a matter of time. But please know that you have one of the best blogs around, and probably due to your honesty. I love the dress, and your additions, and the wedding you worked so hard on looks like it was divine! Congrats on the new baby coming soon. It is such a delight to have a grand baby. I am so sorry to hear of your Mom and friend Deb, all you can do is be there for them. Just keep moving forward,keep making plans, but don't be too hard on yourself. The best advice I ever read was.. "Life is actually what happens to us while we are busy making other plans."
First of all, it must be that flippin global warming. Or it's in the air. Or it's just stupid January and it's stupid dreariness. Once my mom left and I had to go back to face "real life" and my normal routine of work/school/whatever other crap I have to do, I felt like running away. Like there was nothing to look forward to anymore. ARGH. (that's me being exasperated, not me being a pirate) Then- THEN- I stepped on the scale and it told me I was FIFTY pounds over where I was a year after having my last baby. You know, where I had lost all the weight and fit into an 8/10 and yet STILL didn't feel attractive.
Yeah.
So. There's that.
But it was about this time last year that we began our 5 months of unemployment, so as far as trials go, I'm not ready to trade.
All that to say, you're not in the funk alone. Funky Cold Medina is my middle name. Which is why I'm such an amazing rapper.
Your post has really moved me. I'm so sorry about your mom and your friend. Try to cherish each moment you have left with them. As for the rest, you have to try to focus on the positive. I know, easier said than done. But whatever you put your energy into will grow...so if you put energy into negative thoughts, those negative thoughts will grow. If you spend energy self-loathing, you will loath yourself even more. You are an extremely talented person. I enjoy your blog very much and I know there are so many people out there that feel the same. The comment thing is weird...as my blog grows and I get more followers and page views each day, my comments seem to dwindle as well. I don't get it but I also don't let it define me. You don't really know me at all, but if you want a fresh perspective on things or just a new sounding board, you can e-mail me and I will give you my phone number. I don't know if I can help, but I would be completely willing to help you if I can.
P.S and Also, ever since that whole wrapping crap bizness my followers have gone way up (??) and I don't really like that. One bit. I just on keep doing what I've always done, but I don't like the voices in my head saying, "Why are they here? What am I supposed to be doing?"
Did I tell you at one point I had turned my comments off? Posting stuff was my contribution to the world, for people to take it or leave, I couldn't care less. Then my sister said it made me seem rude and like I didn't want feedback (true on both counts) so back on they went. Whether or not I actually blog, the projects are always there. My hubby loves that.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah - it seems the more followers you have, the less comments you get. Really. I went to leave a comment on a friend of mine's (is that a word - mine's?) blog who had a ton of followers and I was surprise - SHOCKED - to see that I was the first comment. Weird. Thus my theory. If people think a trillion other people read, they don't feel as responsible for leaving feedback, since somebody else surely will.
Like Rebecca. Who will write a novel.
We all do the best we can under our particular circumstances. Welcoming your first grandchild in 2012- that's a wonderful thing for your family! I hope your happiness can outshine your sadness. Thinking of you...
Hi Cindy,
My heart goes out to you and I will be thinking of you.
hugs
Sissie
Love, hugs and prayers for you at this time.
FlowerLady
Sometimes it's best to just get things off our chest and out in the open. You are normal! You have had monumentous things handed to you this year, and of course you feel like your head is going to explode! It's too much for the human mind to comprehend, and not being able to make sense of a situation brings about anxiety. It's ok. Just take a deep breath and know that somewhere inside you there is strength to get you through whatever life brings your way. It won't be easy, and it may seem impossible at times, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't beat yourself up for gaining weight. That may be the crutch that helps you cope. There will be a day when you will be able to lose weight, but if it isn't today or this year, it's ok. Do what you need to do just to get through the hell that is staring you down. Once you can feel the suns warmth on your face and you find peace, then you can tackle your weight. Practice saying kind, loving things to yourself. When you hear yourself calling yourself fat ask yourself if that is something your mom would want you to say about one of her prized accomplishments. She loves you and you need to love yourself to honor her. Sorry this is so long, but you are amazing. We all see it, you should see it too! Prayers going up for you and your momma and friend- peace coming down!
Dear Cindy,
I think you got some really good advice in the other comments and I would just second some things. I agree with the comment about thinking about things to much. Dwelling on things...even if they are serious and very real,like your loved ones with cancer...will send you into a dark depression. I think we just have to live for the day we are in when times are hard. While I haven't lost a loved one, I have had a really rough past couple of years. I blogged a bit about it and am going to more, but the thing that helped me the most was something my counselor said to me. I could have lost one of my daughters and I could not sleep afterward. I was afraid to sleep. He was pretty blunt with me about taking care of myself, sleep, eating, etc, and then he said, "So what. So what if you sleep? What could you do if you didn't? What would it change?" It seemed rough at the moment, but it was true. If we can't change it we can't let it destroy us. Spend time with your loved ones and treasure each day. I learned a lot about God's grace then because I did not have anything else. I love your blog and check most every day to see if you have posted.
I feel your pain sweetie. It seems that last year was one of my toughest. I'm dreading some of the things I know are coming in 2012 as well. My mom is dying of lung cancer, my dad lost his sight, and I'm facing empty nest, which I'm not doing with much grace I'm afraid. All these are external things though and from what I hear you can work through external things and with a positive attitude and the way you think of these things you can make it better for yourself. In the meantime, be good to yourself. Give yourself the kudos you deserve, like the fact that you are an amazing writer and your blog rocks! Take lots of naps, and getting a massage or two couldn't hurt. You are gonna love being a grandma — congratulations on that. Babies bring new hope to your heart and will be just the thing you need. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry on. I have broad shoulders and a big heart. If you ever want to email me just for a convo — feel free. Keep on blogging, I would miss you so if you stopped. Things will get better. I know from experience, even if I have to repeatedly tell myself. Start out day by day and tomorrow have a happy day. Keep it simple and count your blessings. I count you as one. Blessings, Tia
Right there with you Cindy! I struggle like this all the time. I have learned that sunshine seems to help, so I sit by the window as much as possible. Also keeping a gratitude journal helps, not always, but sometimes. Also, good friends....I don't know where I'd be without them. I'm not facing the same things that you are, but life still has a way of getting me down, especially in January!! Make an appt. with the counselor or your favorite hair stylist and let someone take care of you for a minute. It does help. In the meantime, I'll keep you in my prayers. Hang in there my friend.
Hello! I have recently started blogging, and when I found your blog I thought, jackpot! You have great posts, ideas, humor and wit. I hope that in the midst of all the woesome things going on in your life you are able to at least find a second where you can look up and breathe. I thouroughly enjoy reading your posts and I hope that you will be able to stop by mine some time and maybe my blog will do the same thing for you as yours does for me. Take your mind off of things for just a bit. Take care.
Dear Cindy,
First I have to thank you for sharing your heart with us. Sometimes I can get a little overwhelmed by all the "perfect" lives and homes on the blogs that follow. I know they aren't perfect. It takes way more courage to be real. I have been where you are and some days I am still feel that way. We are Velveteen Women. I am so sorry to hear about the tragedy that you will be facing this next year. There aren't any words to make it better. I still miss my mom and it's been 8 years.
And yet! Congratulations on your exciting grandma news.
Take care of yourself if you can.
Clara
Redeemed Junk and Stuff
Hi Cindy
Thanks for being honest...we are all "out here" wondering how you have been feeling. You are doing the best you can....and that is good enough! Don't worry so much about the weight...it will wait. Just be good to yourself..eat healthy..try to sleep..get a little exercise..breath...and pray. You have many people surrounding you that love you very much. It must be so hard to face what you are facing...you will continue to be in my prayers. I am so happy to hear that you will soon be a grandmother! What joy you have yet to experience!
My precious Mom died in November of 2010. In September of 2012, my beautiful grandson was born, our first grandchild. It has made the difference between utter despair and a reason to forge ahead. You will find the motivation you need when you meet this little one to do whatever you need to do to be healthy and while you will still mourn the loss of loved ones-the "circle of life" will become comforting rather than frightening. Hang in there- sending some love out to you!
Cindy, I hope this post has helped in some small way lighten your load. One of the many things I was thankful for in 2011 was MEETING YOU! I hope this new year proves to have better moments than what you forsee. Please remember to lean on family and friends as much as possible. Focus with all your heart on things that are good. Resolutions or not...have you written down things you really want to do this year? Nothing wrong with focusing on wants and wishes along with reality. I won't justify your life altering events ahead by saying "we've all been there", but just wish for you to know that you are strong and you have SOOOO much to look forward to. I am here, my friend, if you ever want to meet for lunch (I'm in the 'fort' often), to vent or to craft with.
big hugs.
amy
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all this....these layers of difficulty are the hardest to bear. I lost my mom & dad last year and it was so hard - my heart is with you & please know i'm thinking of you!
A lady I know lost her 60 year old son to cancer last year, it was the birth of her great grandchild that really helped. She helps her grandaughter with the child care so it really makes a difference. Take care in these dark few months, there will be some light for you.
Hi, my name is Heather! Please email me when you can, I have a question about your blog!
HeatherVonSJ[at]gmail[dot]com
I read your blog often, and I rarely comment, mostly because of time constraints, but I felt I had to today. Your post moved me to tears, and at the same time scared me. You sound like you want to check out on life. I know that it may seem you only have trials and hardships in your life, but you have beautiful children who need thier mother, and now you will have a grandchild who will need its grandma. If nothing else, live for them, don't just get up every morning and see ugliness, and sorrow, and hurt, see those children who need you. Make them your reason.
On the issue of finding peace in your life....I have found there is only one way to have true peace in my life. That is to give all my burdens, failures, hurts, and insecurities to God and let him take them. Its the hardest thing to do, but its the only time I have true peace.
I will keep you in my prayers, I hope you find the peace you are looking for, and the reason to get up everyday and live life to the fullest.
Melissa
I can relate to your feelings. I lost a childhood friend several weeks ago to cancer. She fought it for years, but she just couldn't over come it. It rips my heart out to know that as bad as I feel for her, her parents, husband, children and siblings are suffering so much more.
I have also had a couple of years of health problems. I have deperately tried to lose weight and exercise, but it is so hard when you had absolutely no energy and feel like crap.
I want you to know that you are not alone and it is okay to feel like you feel. Just take it one day at a time and know that you really are not alone. (((HUGS)))
When I first starated reading, I thought, "Wonder if she is 60?" Then I read some more. Losing a friend and your momma is hard no matter what age you are. The daily struggle sometimes for me has been to actually see His beauty not only around me but in what He has built into me. And to seek His comfort in the cleft.
Blessings...
Oh Cindy- You poured out your feelings and emotions, to those of us that follow you blog/life. I am so sorry that you are so sad, defeated, and unsure. I have suffered depression, anxiety, panic attacks, you name it, I've had it. I am in no way trying to 'one up' but I feel that you need to see a doctor, not a psychologist, a psychiatrist. I am only telling you this because, I closed myself off so badly, I wouldn't leave my bedroom for weeks. My dear husband would come home from work at odd times because I couldn't handle our two darling little girls, who were just being two darling little girls. I have been on medication, to just feel normal, for 25 years. Talk therapy didn't help. I couldn't change other people, I needed to work on myself, just as you do. Stop beating yourself up over your weight. When you are more at peace in your mind, only then think about it and deal with it. There are good books out there that will give you great ah, hah, moments. You are definitely not alone. I will keep you in my prayers, and remember, take one thing at a time, and learn to pamper yourself without beating yourself up. But, seriously, see a doctor. Your wires are crossed or not connecting and you need that help first. Blessings Paula Lusk
Cindy, I read your blog all the time, but rarely comment. But, I felt today I just had to. I feel so bad for you. I don't know you but it seems you have so much going for you-you have a wonderful family, you're so creative, and best of all, you have a sweet new grandbaby to look forward to. You did such an outstanding job with your daughter's wedding-you should be so proud of yourself. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's cancer and you'll have wonderful stories to share about your mother with your grandchild some day. I know what a struggle it is to deal with a weight problem-I have fought and fought it all my life. As soon as I think I get a handle on it-back out of control I go again. You do tend to feel bad about yourself when you can't control your weight and you find yourself in the kitchen stuffing your face even when you are so full. But please, you are so much more than what you weigh. Hang in there-you have so many people pulling for you. Kathy
Dear Cindy,
I think the idea we have that we can or do control our lives is an illusion. Oh sure, there are things we can control (although eating doesn't feel like one of them so often!) but the things that really count aren't really in our control--things like your mama and your dear friend dying of cancer. But Someone who loves you DOES control those things, and He loves you--and them--more than we can really imagine.
I pray that you will be able to truly trust that He loves you, and He is in control. I recommend reading the Psalms. You will find there that David was often in despair, but He knew that the Lord is the only place we can really run. He's constant. Life is not. And He will bring joy after the sorrow as you trust in Him.
Hang in there. With love and prayers, Marilyn
I'm a fairly new follower, but this post is so poignant and real that I couldn't help but relate. Not sure how old you are, but hormones may play a part in all these feelings you're having. I've been suffering with a lot of panic attacks and anxiety in the past few years. I've always had them, but they're more frequent and severe in this perimenopausal stage. I'll be praying for you. I've been where you are.
Congratulations on the wedding and future grandbaby. I am sorry to hear about your loss and I want to let you know that it is ok to feel this way. Even after loosing my mother 6 years ago, I still get into a funk. The only way that I got out of the worst one was the scare of possible heart attack. I realized I wanted to live, I did not want to die like my mother. Please make an appointment for a physical, even if it is to tell a Dr. how you feel emotionally, then you visit your Gynecologist and make them a yearly check up. Your children need you, your husband needs you and you can't miss meeting your future grandchild.
I really don't know what to say. I've been there? That doesn't help. Just keep thinking about that baby. Really. Being a grandma is so amazing.
And you know when Oprah said "you are not your body"? It might be the only thing she ever said that I remember, but I remember that. You are not your body.
Repeat daily.
*HUGS*
I don't know what to say. I am touched and moved by your post.
Does it help to know that you are touching the lives of many and we are here on this journey WITH you? Because we are.
Sending you prayers and hoping for at least a few moments of sweet peace. :)
Cindy, Thank you for sharing your most private thoughts, emotions, and concerns. I hope you can find solace and comfort so that you can begin to feel better. Take care of yourself.
:-) Sue
Cindy, I swear, you took the words right out of my mouth! I can't say how much comfort I felt reading that someone else feels as I do!!! Not that I want anyone to feel like this, but you know what I mean, right? It has been one bad thing after another for me for many years....mother dying, husband had heart attacks (3), went bankrupt, lost our home, father died, I was diagnosed with breast cancer....and it just goes on and on. I have to tell you though, the bright star in my life is our grandson who was born 2 years ago amidst all the turmoil. When he is here with me, I feel so much happiness. I know you will too! Thank you for sharing your deep, personal thoughts.....you have no idea how have touched my life.
my hand in yours......I send hugs!
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