PSSSST...I'm no longer blogging here!
You can now find me at
-----------------------------------------------------------------So many folks on my regular blog rounds are posting all the awesome things they accomplished last year, and all the wonderful stuff they're looking forward to this year. All the goals they have, the hopes and dreams that motivate them. I, on the other hand, feel like I barely survived this last year, and 2012 is a gaping black hole staring me down....ready to suck up any happiness I manage to find and leave me with profound tragedy and pain. I've never felt so vulnerable, so out of control. And so helpless. I feel a constant dread of the future. I feel stuck and unable to plan for anything. A deep, stubborn hopelessness has settled it's black wings over my spirit and mind. The wedding planning consumed my mind and energy, giving me a much-needed distraction, but I knew the aftermath would entail facing some serious uncomfies. January has indeed arrived; the aftermath is here. And I hate math.
I should go back to counseling. Don't really think it will help a whole lot, but that's what people do when they're mad/sad/terrified/burned out, yeah? My health issues have returned as I pushed wholesome eating and exercise to the rear, and even though I'd love to just run away to a spa somewhere where they'd teach me yoga and feed me organic whole food the whole ding dang day long then put me to bed with a calming massage and classical music....alas, my life responsibilities are relentless. There will be crawling out of bed, putting on my socks and facing into what needs faced with a quivering heart submitted to what life hands me each day. There will be grasping at little glints of shiny, slippery joy when I see them, and training myself to be steadfast in looking for their glimmer in the worst of times. There will be learning to accept a drowning grace for myself when yet again I meet my elicit lover…food, and succumb to it’s numbing embrace. Or the siren's song of a mid-day slumber-escape. Or barking at my beloved offspring.
It's hard to heal from a tumultuous year of intense stress and heartbreak when even bigger stress and heartbreak awaits around the corner. How to prepare? How to be wise, knowing your opponent is holding the ace in the hole (no bluffing needed)? I suppose I'm going to try to be present, try to acknowledge and focus on the good and happy, look for the silver lining.....and feel kinda dumb doing it, honestly. But there’s no choice except to slog thru it, to embrace what comes with the wee bit of grace I can muster, knowing I'll probably look back with regret at how it all unfolded. How I dealt with the poo that hit the fan, the mess that ensued.
My heart hurts, and while I've had pretty awful stuff happen in the last year, it's not like I lost a child or was diagnosed with some incurable disease, or found out my husband had been cheating. I know people who faced these tragic events this year, and they're still trying...still giving life a go and hoping it will all come out right somehow. Still making beauty with the raw materials of pain and suffering. Me? I wake up with a sugar/carb hangover each day then stumble back to the kitchen for the next hit. I'm not brilliant, but I know that ain't livin' the good life.
I'm tired. Bone tired and longing for something. Yet all I can see of that formless, nameless something is a wide swathe of sand and the emerald blue-green of rolling waves. I could stare forever at each incoming, foaming, frothy, uniquely shaped wall of water as it curls in on itself and creeps up the sugar sands, pushed by the momentum of a thousand million billion waves behind it.
The beauty in the monotony.
The power behind the rhythm.
The safety in the ritual.
Why I can't see this in my own life baffles me.
In a few weeks I'll be heading to those sands and rolling waters. Maybe sitting still and watching nature's performance for a few weeks will massage out the tension in my spirit. Maybe hearing the constant roar just outside my window will drown out the chatter of hopeless thoughts and feelings stuck in my brain.
Maybe watching the waves encroaching upon the beach will replace the time and commitments that have encroached upon my recent life, and I can again catch my breath and relearn what it is to relax and be. Maybe find strength to face what lies ahead.
And what does lie ahead?
In the coming months (maybe weeks), I will face the death of two precious women from cancers that won't relent: my mama, and a dear friend Deb. The terror of that consumes me. Makes me feel weak and cowardly and ashamed at how I take my life for granted, doing nothing most days but feeling depressed. I feel like the least I should do is *try*. Try to make a happy life for the sake of those who won't have it soon.
But trying comes with risk. Risk of disappointment and failure, both of which I have hardy experience with and neither of which I have a particular fondness for....let alone energy for. Still, I plan to explore some ideas of what 'trying' might look like for me in this ridiculous season of my life. I've contemplated starting an online biz, monetizing this blog, flipping burgers. I've thought about once again (for the eighty-millionth time) attacking this excess 80 pounds of fat clinging to my frame. I've toyed with selling everything and moving to a broken down cottage by the sea. Or just leaving.....
Amidst all this doom and gloom, there is one very bright light. Isn't that just how it goes? Life's way of dragging you along even when you're throwing a 2 year old tantrum? It's a bit cruel actually, to be thrown a line when you've already jumped ship and reconciled yourself to a peaceable end in the waves.
My first grandchild is due to appear on the scene by April's end.
Now tell me....isn't that just like Life? To unleash an unexpected, fresh breeze into the stale, claustrophobic air you've been wheezing in for so long? To prove that yes, you can feel pure terror and unspeakable joy at the same time and in the same humble human frame? That longing for time to stop, yet longing for time to pass can cozy right up next to each other. Oh yeah, Life is a sneaky devil.
I've learned by heart what 'bittersweet' feels like. I thought I knew.... but I had an academic understanding only. The real thing is a shocking experience. There is no reconciliation or 'settling'. No boxing it up with a nice bow on top. It makes you feel, well, alive. It gives you the ability to laugh and cry at the same time. Living with bittersweet realities somehow infuses you with hope, just when you were sure you weren't dealt any this round.
Anyway, if you've managed to digest this rambling feelings-to-words post, I appreciate it. I've watched my followers grow due to Pinterest I supposed, but I get very few comments anymore. I figured why not just let it all hang out. Process aloud. The good and the bad. No sugar coating...although maybe some pretty pictures now and then as I learn to use my new camera.
Which is, perhaps, another move-on-the-sly from good 'ole Life, eh? Nothing like a new hobby, a new lens, to document this messy existence.