6.26.2011

I'm still here. Well not 'here', but ya know.


I can't tell you how many times I consider just dropping this blog.  The last six months have been a gigantic blob of weirdness for me.  I've completely lost interest in my house and doing projects, I'm spending tons of time and energy on my personal, DIY makeover (and finally calling in some professionals as I began to drown in health issues), and worrying over my mom....


Speaking of which, in the last couple weeks we are reeling with the news that the surgery didn't get all the nasty cancer out of her body, and it has spread to her liver, lungs and ribs.  She also has some tumors growing just behind the tiny bit of her sternum the surgeons left where the collarbones join.  That's where she first noticed the lumps.  They are giving her a new-ish chemo drug she takes daily. We'll know in 6 weeks if it's going to work to slow the cancer down a bit and if she can tolerate it.  If it doesn't work, she's been given 3-6 months.  Suddenly, painting stuff and rearranging furniture just doesn't seem so pressing.  Though it's a great distraction when needed....


As far as my health, I've was diagnosed in May with Type 2 diabetes and a condition called adenomyosis. This week I discovered I'm in the midst of an adrenal crash.  In each case, I'm trying desparately to deal with them using diet, exercise, and lowering stress, but with my mom's situation, it's been a tough row to hoe lately.  It seems I need to work doubly hard to get half the results of others I know working on weight loss and better health.  It's hard not to throw in the towel, just take a bunch of pills and call it a day (with some Little Debbie snacks on the side.)  I do make progress, but it's hardly noticeable.  Seems a lot of work for such small results.  Here's the link to my most recent progress report and pictures



Anyway, this week I popped over to read some of your blogs.  Such tremendous beauty, creativity, humor and love out there.  It almost makes me want to start making beauty around my place again.  Almost.  But honestly folks, I'm unmotivated by my house.  It's a mess most days.  I want to move.  I'm tired of trying to make tasty lemonade out of the myriad lemons when it just kinda looks like pee to me when I'm done.  Just being honest.  Because my energy is so low, and stress is so high, the thought of putting more energy into this house overwhelms me.  And yet, purging and organizing brings calm.  And scooting a piece of furniture around can make the angels sing sometimes too.  Just sayin'.


My brain is on simplicity.  I long for it.  I don't know where the line is between making the best of what you've got (jiggly size 18 thighs and a house that makes me claustrophobic) and putting energy toward making your dreams reality.  I spend inordinate amounts of time dreaming of living in a little cottage near the beach, growing a small veggie and cutting garden, volunteering at nursing homes reading Jane Austen aloud,  taking my kids to museums and zoos as relaxed homeschoolers, riding a cruiser bike with a wicker basket to the farmers market to sell my handmade soap, and sewing my own fun, romantic, frilly skirts and peasant tops.


Instead, I'm living in a dated 80's house in non-descript suburbia with no chance of a garden in non-descript midwest with no water except mosquito-infested mud swamps in my non-descript shaded backyard.  My health issues keep me home a lot of days, and my mama is sick with cancer.  Oy!

On the brightest side, I have a husband who is the center of my world and supports me wholeheartedly.  He has offered to send me and the boys to stay in Florida for 6 weeks this next winter to avoid the horrendous tragedy of February and some of March.  But I'd have go without him....he'd need to stay here to work, of course.


But until then, we're weighing options here.  We're actually having some realtor friends do a market analysis on the house just to get some information.  We'll do some driving around neighborhoods in town to get ideas of where we might go next.  Weighing the stress of moving with the stress of staying here is our main task.

In the meantime, we're going room by room and purging, rearranging and finishing off decorating projects as we have time, money and energy.  Whether we end up putting the house on the market or not, it helps to declutter and organize.  It'll be slow going as I'm working on rebuilding my health.

(random pic of Bogart the Big Black dog, who calms me whilst I flip through dream homes plans...)

So, that's my story.  I love my little space here on the web and don't want to shut it down.  I hope there's enough articles and links and pictures to entertain those who still stop by, and as we get busy  re-organizing and re-prioritizing I hope to snap some pics to share. I doubt it will ever be as large a part of my life as it was in the first couple years (It really took too much of my time and money, though enjoyable).

me today
I'm still blogging regularly at cindy. in the present tense showing off T1 fashion, writing makeup reviews, talking about healthy eating and exercise.  And, of course, I whine sometimes.  Wouldn't be real if I didn't.  You're always welcome to follow me over there too.



Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers for my mom and family, and thanks for stopping over now and then to check in on me.  I appreciate the kind emails I've received over the last weeks.  It helps to know I'm not forgotten :)

47 comments:

Funky Junk Interiors said...

Cindy, I barely know where to begin. But just know, by sharing what ails you, you ARE helping others. Count on it.

BTW... I've been following you on the other blog and I have to say I've been extremely proud of your success. YES. Success! You are doing it. That's what matters.

Thanks for speaking from the heart. I have a call to make to my own doc thanks to you.

Donna

Claudia said...

Hi Cindy,

It's great to hear from you. I don't blame you at all for laying low re the blog. You have too much on your plate right now. I'm thinking of you and your Mom. Your Mom and your health take priority, my friend.

xo
Claudia

gina3 said...

I wish I could fast forward things for you a couple of years. I know what it's like dealing with all of this overwhelming stuff all at once over a long period of time. I've lived in a home I didn't love, had to handle losing parents (both of mine), developed health issues, etc. I had to prioritize what was important and deal with only that and let the rest go...at least for awhile. I could only handle so much. That period seems like a long time ago. Things are much more settled now and easier to handle. This blog is here when you need it and that's it. Focus on time with your mom, your family and taking care of yourself. There will be time for decorating projects later. The projects will always be there. Take care and hang in there. You're looking great!!!!

Kelly Howard said...

Cindy, I have been exactly where you are right now- it ain't pretty or fun when your own health and the health of those you love isn't good. I will pray for you daily, I promise!!! Prayer carries us through more than we'll ever know! I am right there with you on the weight loss, and have lost 24 pounds so far, but I admire your chronicling yours, I am not so courageous! It is SO important for you to remember to just be present for TODAY, don't think about what WAS, or what MIGHT be-just think about TODAY, okay?! Hugs!

Cassie @ Primitive & Proper said...

wow, cindy, i am sorry to hear of all the struggles you are facing, but so happy fro you that you have a wonderful and supportive husband and family, and that you are doing something to change it. keep up the good work! and thanks for the update!

The White Farmhouse said...

I think about you all the time and hope that things are going well for you. I am so sorry to hear about your mom and all the other struggles you are dealing with. I know about the weight game. It sucks! I have never been this heavy in my whole life except when I was pregnant. It's depressing too. My old phone died so I no longer have your number. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, send me an email and I'll send my number to you. Much love to you sweetie. You still are a cutie patootie!

Lisa @ Fern Creek Cottage said...

Cindy,
Thank you for sharing. I have been thinking about you. I don't blame you one bit for feeling overwhelmed and fusterated and longing for something different. To watch your mom hurting and dealing with your own health issues; if I were in your situation I'd feel the same way you are. I'm sure everyone understands why decorating has taken a back burner. And even if it always is on the back burner that is ok too. I think going away to Florida this winter is a great idea. Sometimes a change of scenery can make a huge diffrence. I will be keeping you, your mom and your whole family in my prayers my dear. :)
Blessings,
Lisa

Midwest Cottage said...

I have missed you. I have come and visit to see what your doing. Sorry your sick and for all the other troubles. It seems like it is forever. But remember that "this too shall pass"

Stay strong.

Fairfield House said...

Cindy,

So happy to 'hear' from you although I am saddened by the update on your mother's health. I know first hand the damage stress does to one's body. You cannot avoid it, but there are healthy ways to manage and cope with it. Don't discount the damage despair and depression does. I have been where you are my friend. Do what you are able and need to do to get through it. Sending you love and prayers from NJ,

Deborah

Jacqueline~Cabin and Cottage said...

I just wanted to let you know I stopped by, and wish you well with your struggles.

Jester said...

Hi Cindy,
2007 has proved to be the worst year of my life & probably always will. alot led up to it & with each event that I thought was the crowning cherry on top, something else would happen. Already a mess, needing to move & FINALLY getting a house, 2 days later I lost my grandson, 2 months later I lost my job that was to pay the mortage on new house,3 months later my father was diagnosed with Cancer & then promptly died 2 weeks later ( the day after Christmas) from something totally unrealted. I was in a deeep deep depression. I almsot didn't make it back then. Due to the events that led up to us moving, I was put on anti depressants...& thanks God or I probably would of been even worse. But I had many a night drowning my sorrows in alcohol & staring at the bottle of meds, comtemplating taking them all so I wouldn't have to feel all the pain and sadness anymore. I couldn't get past it, around it, it had whole heartily swallowed me up.
I'm telling you this because here I sit almost 4 years later to the date, and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. Thereis light atthe end of the tunnel,you just can see it yet, but it IS there. Hang in there, despite all that is happening and all that you are feeling, there is still so much more out there waiting for you to experience it.
Ps. I just recently found out that I am prediabetic, have high BP & that tehy have effected my kidneys....doing the new diet to...but I'm still smiling! You will to someday soon, just don't give up....better days ARE coming!

Suzanne said...

Let me begin by saying that I hope your mother's doctors find the medications she needs to eradicate the cancer. Such a difficult thing for your whole family to face.

The weight you have lost is wonderful. Such a huge accomplishment especially when it has been so difficult for you. I truly am impressed.

It's good to remember that blogging -- and decorating and crafts -- are just a past-time. They are not "important" in the grand scheme of things -- not compared to family and health. They are something to do when you don't have something better to do. Your life is filled with better things to do right now and that's ok. We'll still be here when your life settles down (and I'm sure it will). Until then, do what you're doing and take care of the more important aspects of your life. You inspired me today. - Suzanne

simpledaisy said...

What a very open and honest post. I think we all hit speed bumps in life...and it's ok! Life is not always rainbows and butterflies...but I do know for sure that each day is a gift....no matter how crummy it is! And I think it is important to always keep your dreams in your heart! But even still...life is reality and can get in the way of following our dreams! Priorities are so important...I write my priorities on a chalkboard and just kiind of tweak them as I go along...that way I don't get muddled down in trying to go in too many different directions.
I am so sorry for your health issues...it just really stinks! But maybe try to look at it as an opportunity! Maybe through what you are going through you can help and inspire others! If you have time...you could always try and organize a walking group ...if you like that sort of stuff...and then you could trade ideas and recipes together!
We really are all in this together:) Hang in there and even though I don't know you.....you are in my thoughts!!! xoxo!

Maureen said...

Strange as this may sound since I don't really know you, I miss your posts and sense of humor. I have been where you are and I kind of walked away from life for a while. I needed to retreat and regroup. The best thing you can do is take one day at a time and deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

Take care and know that you are not alone.

{ The Painted Home } said...

Hang in there. Remember, nothing last forever, and these bad times you are having won't either. Our thoughts and prayers are with you Cindy.
-d e n i s e

Mary Ellen said...

Cindy have been missing you and am thankful for your honest post. Have been a bit in the dark myself and I shared a little in my 1000 gifts posts- a little bit of that was this--"The gift of change- knowing that the way I am feeling, the circumstances I am in will soon change - It is not a dead end road but a path through the woods- sometimes seeing wildflowers, sometimes dead downed trees, but the scenery always changes with each step we take."

The book- 1000 gifts has been so helpful in my journey- by Ann Voskamp- consciously making myself aware of the gifts of life in the midst of trials has been a saving grace for me. Praying you will see the gifts in your journey

bee blessed
mary

sissie said...

Hi Cindy,
I have walked in your shoes my dear and it isn't easy. The only advice I can give you is to take care of yourself the best you can and be there for your Mother when you can.
I lost my Mom to lung cancer. I spent eight months stressed to no end but you know what, I wouldn't trade that time I had with her for all the gold in the world. It was hard, emotional and at the same time, enlightening and endearing.

I will send up prayers for you and your family. Keep taking care of yourself.

hugs
Sissie

Eileen @ Cottage Beach House said...

I love your blog, and its honesty. I always enjoy navigating around it. I will have to go check out your new one too. Suzanne above has said exactly what I was thinking. We'll be here to read whenever you feel like writing. And you are an inspiration.

Candace & Nicole said...

Ugh Cindy, hope life gets better for you. My mom has type 2 diabetes, I need to be careful too because I could soon be heading in the same direction.

Elaine @ Sunny Simple Life said...

I have been where you are with my mom. She had cancer and we knew it was terminal and then in the midst of that my dad was diagnosed with cancer and died in a few weeks with my mom following him three months later. Poof parents gone. It took me years (around 3) to get over it so what I am trying to stay is don't be hard on yourself. You are in survival mode. Just take care of you as best as can be expected and let everything else go. My heart breaks for you as I know your pain. Best wishes and prayers to you and your family as you get through this.

mary beth said...

Dear girl, please know that you don't have to decorate, craft or anything else that adds to the stress of life just for us out here in blogland! It is good to read what's going on in your life so that we can pray for you, but you don't need to feel bad for us if you aren't feeling up to being your usual creative self! Do things that renew your spirit. Rest. Read. Purge. Listen to music and take walks. Feed your soul and let God do his work in your heart as you walk this walk. We love you and keep you in our thoughts even if you don't write on your blog! You are not forgotten!

Jill at Shoestring Cottage said...

How extraordinarily courageous and honest of you to share with us all your anxieties about your mother's and your own health issues.
It probably doesn't seem like it right now but there really will be a light at the end of even the very darkest of tunnels, I promise you. Be kind to yourself and know that you are in our thoughts even here in far away England

Sheri said...

I've missed your post. Just know that your blogland friends are now praying for you.

Kate said...

Cindy
even with all that you are having to deal with you still Rock girl!!! My prayers and my heart goes out to you & your mama. I will pray for you both and that you have some peace and joy as the days progress. We all love you here on the bloggy. I had no idea about your other blog so I am off to visit you there.

Biggest hugs ever
Kate
xoxo

Jennifer Rizzo said...

I am praying for you and your mom. You are such a sweet and wonderful person!

Sweet Bee Cottage said...

Cindy, I'm going to write almost the same thing to you that I wrote to Brenda at Cozy Little House. Yes, I love the decor ideas, but I come here for you. You are the draw - not your projects, not your house, not the linky parties. I hope you don't give up this blog because one day you will be ready to come back. I am so sorry to hear about your mom and your health issues too. You and your mom and your family will be in my prayers.

It's Just Me said...

Oh Cindy, how I wish I lived close to you to help. I struggled with this EXACT same thing. In the past 6 months I had cancer removal surgery then had to deal with my dog (who passed 2 weeks ago) losing her fight to cancer. In the midst of everything, crafty projects and decorating just doesn't seem to matter. However, I found that they helped me to cope. As far as your trip to Florida, where will you be going? I live in Sarasota Florida which is 50 miles south of Tampa and I could give you some suggestions on where to eat, etc. both in the Tampa & Sarasota area. Anyhoo, my friend, always know that you are NOT alone. Whether in real life or blog land you are NEVER alone. I hold your mother, and you, STRONG in my thoughts and prayers. The BIG C is the WORST thing to go threw and it's a lonely place but as I have learnt, you're not alone. I'm a survivor but it's still a scary thing and it's ALWAYS there.
Love, your friend
~ Deanna

Dragonfly Treasure said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom and your family as you go through these struggles and difficult decision making process. Hang in there, take one day at a time and know we are all here for you. Love you ♥
*hugs*deb

Suzanne@Meridian Road said...

Oh, wow. This is a lot to handle, and I'm so sorry you have to. I'll be praying for you. Hang in there, Cindy, and keep up the good work you've been doing! I read your other blog, too, and even if you haven't seen all the results you've hoped for, the changes are real. And noticeable!

Cozy Little House said...

Well, you're doing what you have to do. And that's all one can do. I'm trying to simplify myself. I'm tired of unending projects. Too much stuff. I too want a tiny little house and have more time.
Brenda

Rustique Gal said...

Cindy, Many prayers for your Mom. I know how hard it must be for you. I understand your frustration with your surroundings-I have that too! Take care of yourself in this stressful time and look forward to your rest in Florida.
Hugs!
Sherry

Anonymous said...

Seeing your blog posting was the highlight of my day! Although I don't know you, I feel like I've missed a friend in your absence! Take care of yourself and your mama, and we'll be here when you're ready to blog again!

Magali @ The Little White House said...

It was nice to read from you, though I'm sorry to see that the news isn't that good. Decorating isn't everything. It's just a small part of what makes life, even if blogging drives us to think it's the most important thing!!! Sometimes when I look at the mess around me, I think "what would people think?" and then, I remember that while I wasn't tidying things up, I was doing much more important activities and so "what the hell?"
Take care.

Exchange hosting services said...

lovely!

Sue said...

Cindy, You're going through a lot right now and the stress doesn't help your health issues. Just take each day one at a time and know that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Do what is best for you and your family and if the house doesn't get picked up or projects don't get started- who cares? Make life comfortable for you and yours. My thoughts are with you. ~ Sue

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time. Big (((hugs))). You, your family and your mom are in my prayers.

Selfishly, I'd like you to continue the blog since I enjoy it. But I totally understand lack of desire and life getting in the way.

Becca

Amanda said...

Well where do you start? It must be so stressful and its a wonder you can think straight. I hope with the support of your family you'll get through this, take care all of you.

rainbowcreek said...

Just stopped by for the first time in quite a while and I am so sorry to hear all the struggles you are facing. I certainly can relate to your longing for simplicity and dreams of a beautiful life in a cottage by the sea. Me too, and many days I just want to run away from all this reality and make something different happen. You are so talented and create such inspirational beauty from everything you put your mind to. I know you will get back to a place where you can find that motivation to make lemonade and beauty again. Use your energy to take care of yourself and your mom. You are looking great! Headed over to check out the other blog now. Praying that things work out for you with the house too, that's a big decision!

Rose @ Confessions of a Curbshopaholic said...

Cindy,
I too am so sorry for your difficult time these last few months. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers as well. I hope things get better for you soon,
hugs,
Rose

Traci said...

Hi, I am sorry to hear so many distractions are going on in your life. I do relate to your situation. Sometimes life does take it's turns, I know. I pray for the best for you. I haven enjoyed your blog and will continue to pop in if you are able to find time to spare and continue now and then. Thank you for all the lovely work you do here.

Hoping the best for you:)

Sue said...

It's like you went inside my head and pulled out all my thoughts! I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Know that you're not alone. Please make sure to take care of yourself so you can be there for your mom.

Hugs and best wishes.

Sue

Mel the Crafty Scientist said...

I'm not sure why I only just saw this, but wanted to add my sympathy and virtual "warm fuzzies." I know it's not much and it's probably little comfort, but I think it's pretty darn natural to put crafty stuff on the backburner when life gets rough. But maybe it'll be a good distraction for you at some point - whether or not you want to blog about it. Good luck with everything - I'm sending good vibes and thoughts your way!

hilary @ the upcycle furniture co. said...

hang in there cindy... you inspire in more ways than one. : )

Meghan Grace said...

I'm sorry that you've had so many struggles, Cindy. I just wanted to say that that you are so talented, that when you feel like getting back at it (which my guess is that you will, be we all usually do) that you keep sharing your wonderful ideas with us! You have such a gift!
Prayers and Hugs, Meghan

Erin said...

You are far too vibrant and honest to be forgotten, Cindy! I've popped in as regularly as life allows these days to read CITPT and though I haven't commented frequently enough, I'm still cheering you on in your many journeys. I know you don't feel particularly inspirational these days, but you are to me as you reveal the beauty in the struggle and mess of life.

Fanchy said...

Cindy,

What great news about your Mom's response to the new treatment. My own father was given 6 months to live with esophogeal cancer which has about a 10% survival rate. That was over 15 years ago! Cancer CAN be beat. I will continue to pray for your family. This is wonderful news.

You always inspire me and I'm glad to see you continue your passions.

rubymum26 said...

I have never left a post before, but wanted to let you know that I've been following for quite some time now. I absolutely love your decorating style and enjoy looking at your beauties!! May you find the strength and peace you need for the times ahead. <3

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